Going Through the Hard

Let me preface this by saying that I write today on the tail of one of the most grueling years our family has ever experienced. This is not an easy thing to write about or admit, but I believe that acknowledging the sufferings in life is personally important, but also socially important because too often individuals or families suffer alone because they feel like they must, and as a culture and within communities we are all too willing to inflict suffering on others, but we are not as willing to walk alongside people in their suffering.

Experts talk about major life events that can impact an individual or family; a health crisis, the death of a loved one, a big move, a job loss or change, or even a change in family situation. But then there are difficult life events that we don’t typically talk about; losing friends, losing community, losing support systems, losing encouragement, losing things that brought joy and purpose, and even experiencing an attack on one’s character without any control over the narrative and having to experience the pain of being ostracized, hurt, betrayed, lied about, and completely blindsided.

In the last 16 months we have experienced nearly every single major life event, including those that are not often listed by the experts. Death of loved ones. Job losses and changes. Multiple major health crises for multiple members of our family. But we have also experienced isolation, loss of community, loss of friendships, loss of support systems, loss of things that nurtured us as individuals and as a family, as well as the loss of outlets for our own gifts and talents that were life-giving to us personally and to those around us. Many of these shifts occurred overnight and completely blindsided us, and others, and were deeply painful. I’m sure anyone can imagine an experience where one day life was one way and the next day it had completely shifted. That is what I am talking about here.

We all react differently to our own sufferings and to the sufferings of the people around us. Some people don’t want to talk about it. Some people distance because it feels too complicated. Some people don’t want to hear the truth but are willing to be swept up in the lies. Some people really do care, but the truth that someone is still in a season of suffering is very uncomfortable. Some people get angry. Some people isolate. Some people walk alongside their loved ones or friends as they are going through the suffering. Sometimes the reaction to suffering is a messy mix of most or all of these responses.

We, as a family, in this particular season of suffering, have experienced tremendous loss, have experienced deep pain, have become intentional targets, and are even collateral damage, and we have felt enormous pressure to plaster a smile on our faces and move about our life as though none of these things ever happened. This experience has made me realize that we place enormous pressure on families in this culture without appropriately holding space for them when they are grieving, hurting, or suffering.

I do think there are times to step back and take time to try to heal privately. I do think there is a place for allowing others the space they need to grieve in private. I think there is a place for smiling and putting one step in front of the other and grieving patiently and working through how to forgive and how to move forward. I think it is as equally important to talk about suffering and crosses because if we never admit that our own suffering exists how are others supposed to know they are not alone in their sufferings and feel safe enough to reach out and ask for help? If we always bottle up our suffering, how are we ever to be comforted or comfort others?

I think we must find a better balance. We must do a better job of learning how to hold space for those who are grieving and suffering. Some of the most important, profound, and beautiful human connections can be forged in the crucible of one’s own suffering and in holding space for others who are experiencing suffering.

Even Jesus asked His disciples to pray with Him in the garden when He was in complete agony.

Even Jesus needed help carrying His cross.

Even Jesus needed His face wiped in this valley of tears on the way to His crucifixion.

Even Jesus had those who stood at the foot of the cross and who couldn’t take the pain away or take His place, but who held space for Him just by being present when everyone else had fled.

We all need human reminders of compassion, love, and support when we are carrying our own crosses or brutally crucified by life’s circumstances. We need people who are willing to step out of the crowd and hold us, carry us, weep with us, be angry with us, walk alongside us, and just be with us because they are the human reminders that God has not abandoned us, that God is still with us, and that God, too, has immense love, endless mercy, and righteous anger, and He alone has the final say.

This is what Jesus did, and we can look to Him as a practical example of how to process our own suffering and how to assist others in theirs. Jesus went directly into the places and spaces where people were sick, suffering, dying, rejected, ostracized, broken, and hurting. He did not shy away from people’s pain and sometimes it was as simple as listening to someone in order to release them from their bondage of suffering. We can do this too. We must do this.

This last year there were many things that were excruciatingly difficult, in fact, some of those things have not ended and will have lasting ripples into eternity. They have threatened to tear us up as a family, to drown us, and to beat us to a bloody pulp. But guess what? We are still here, we are still doing what we can to be faithful, we are doing our best to keep our peace in the storm, and when we lose it, we are doing what we can to find it again. It is not easy. It has not been easy. But it has not been impossible either.

We get to decide, not all at once, but one day at a time. Even God uses the evil, hurtful, and painful people and events in our lives to bring about good. God also uses the brave and compassionate people in our lives to help us bear wrongs patiently, to forgive all injuries, and to help us keep walking our own way of the cross.

It is my hope that in sharing about our own sufferings you will think about how, in the most profound way, there is power in the cross and God wants to work through every single person and family to bring about good in His world, including through your family, just as He has and is through mine, even and especially through pain, grief, and suffering.

No matter what you are facing, no matter what happens, God desires good for you and your family, and no one can take that away from you unless you let them. Sometimes it does not make sense at the time, but God will use the painful events of your life to make you and your family stronger if you will allow Him. That is the hard part. You have to allow Him to work through the pain, hurt, grief, and betrayal because…

He is the Good Shepherd.

He is not the thief.

He is the comforter.

He is not the liar.

He is the light.

He is not the darkness.

He is in the laughter.

He catches your tears.

He will never abandon you.

I promise. And it’s His promise, too, when He says…

”Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are they who mourn,
for they will be comforted.

Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the land.

Blessed are they who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be satisfied.

Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.

Blessed are the clean of heart,
for they will see God.

Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called children of God.

Blessed are they who are persecuted for the sake of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are you when they insult you and persecute you and utter every kind of evil against you falsely because of me.
Rejoice and be glad, for your reward will be great in heaven.”

Matthew 5:3-11

Go through the hard. Hang on to your families. Lean into the suffering. God is in the tears, the suffering, the pain, the hurt, the betrayal. Be on the lookout for the helpers God is sending you in the suffering. He has not abandoned you; do not abandon Him.


Is there someone in my life who is going through a difficult time and who could use words of encouragement and comfort from me?

Is there someone in my life who has recently experienced the loss of a loved one, a job, a friend, or another kind of loss and who could use words of affirmation, truth, and comfort?

Am I going through a difficult time or a particular suffering and need to have the courage to ask for help?

Do I recognize the helpers God is trying to send in my life?

Is there someone in my life who is experiencing deep suffering and simply needs someone to listen to them in their grief and catch their tears?

Do I make myself available to my husband, children, family, and friends when they are going through trials and sufferings?

Do I remember that seasons of suffering do not last forever, and God desires good things for me and for my family?

Do I make space for myself to grieve and process painful experiences and have a spirit of gentleness toward myself?

Do I have a spirit of gentleness and kindness toward others who are going through suffering?

Do I work hard to avoid gaslighting those who are suffering and instead hold space for them to be honest about something they are struggling with or a difficulty they are going through?

Am I a good listener?

Do I take time to read the scriptures to learn how Jesus showed radical compassion, understanding, love, and mercy to those who were suffering, ostracized, hurting, and/or sick so I can learn to do the same for others?

Am I a place of rest for the people around me?

Do I realize that Jesus is always a place of rest for me and He desires good for me, especially when I am going through something very difficult?