Showing up
Last July I celebrated my 40th birthday. In our home, birthdays are an opportunity to celebrate life and spend time together as a family, eat our favorite foods, relax, and have fun. I was able to do all of those things with my husband and children, but there was something extra added in for my 40th.
Leading up to my birthday, one of my closest friends was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Her chemotherapy treatments were scheduled to start on my 40th birthday. My friend didn’t know it was my birthday - that wasn’t the point. I simply asked her if she wanted someone beyond family members to be there with her during the long day. She insisted that she would be ok, but eventually she agreed that she would like that.
My birthday had a joyful start with my family and then I headed up to the local hospital mid-morning. I pulled into the parking lot of the Cancer Center, parked the car, and just sat. It suddenly hit me that I had never been in the Cancer Center, I had never been on the chemo floor, and I really didn’t know what I was doing. But then I started to think about what my friend was going through, and I decided that instead of thinking about whether or not I knew what I was doing, I was going to think about my friend, our friendship, and just be present to her, and let the time unfold in whatever way it needed to.
We spent the next 2 or more hours (honestly, we lost track of the time) visiting, laughing, crying, talking about Jesus, talking about the cancer…being friends right there in the Cancer Center. We took a selfie. We held hands. And I watched her bravely go through her treatment that day. It was one of the most beautiful and humbling things I have ever experienced. She didn’t know it was my birthday until the end and, always thinking of others, she wanted to get me something. I told her she had already given me the greatest gift by allowing me to spend time with her.
I was able to be with her during 4 of her 6 chemotherapy treatments. Those visits were some of the best conversations we ever had. She taught me a lot about being authentic even when it’s misunderstood, about being vulnerable, about how to be an authentic friend, about how to stay close to Jesus even in suffering, about how to hang on to your joy even when it feels like it’s slipping away, about how to face pain and rejection, and about how to really love people, even those who don’t love you in return. I think I probably received more from those chemo floor visits than I was ever able to give.
My friend passed away in November. It has been a very difficult loss. I can’t pick up the phone and call her anymore. I can’t stop by her house for a visit, or smile across the way at her when we’re at Mass. There are no more sounds of laughter between us. There are no more chemo floor visits. It is a deep grief because she was an incredible human being with a beautiful soul who brought so much beauty and joy to my life and to my family’s life just by being who she was. But I am grateful God had us meet and that I have the memories of our conversations, our laughter, our being present to each other, and our friendship, especially in that most unexpected chemo floor setting.
A faithful friend is a sturdy shelter;
he who finds one finds a treasure.
A faithful friend is beyond price,
no sum can balance his worth.
A faithful friend is a life-saving remedy,
such as he who fears God finds;
For he who fears God behaves accordingly,
and his friend will be like himself.
Sirach 6:14-17
Sometimes it can feel scary to show up, but is there someone in your life right now who needs you to show up, to be present, to walk alongside them as they are going through suffering, struggle, grief, or pain? Don’t be afraid to show up. They need you to show up; and it might surprise you how much you need it too.